When Rap Goes Wrong

So, I like rap music. Not as much as I used to, but I can still get down, yo. I'm from the streets, if you weren't aware. Anyway, I think there is a lot of rap out there that is brilliant. Poetry, even. That said, there are some songs and/or phrases you hear from reputable rappers that just make you question if you are hearing it right. In this edition of "Shit No One Will Ever Read" I will go over a few questionable rap lyrics/songs and give multiple interpretations. Enjoy, playa.

Jay-Z - I Just Wanna Love U (Give it 2 Me)

Now, first off, you have to respect the use of "U" and "2" - That screams street cred. "Hey, lets make sure our title looks like it was texted to us by a 11 year old white girl." This is a catchy song. Jay-Z is one of the best rappers around. So how did he let this nugget of filth get into his chorus:

Now give it to me,
Give me that funk, that nasty, that gushy stuff..."

I'm sorry Mr. HOVA, but did Pharrell just say "Gushy Stuff" in your song? I can see them in the studio:

"P - I'm lookin for something tight on the chorus. Somethin' sexual, but somethin' different. We have "funk", and we have "nasty" - now we need something else to really describe it..."
Gross. Here are three possible explanations of this line:

A) "Woman, please pass me the plate of Brie cheese. That shit is aged, yo - i love the crisp smell and softer texture. Also - pass me the mother fucking Triscits, B!"

B) "Hey you, I would like to have you sexually and I'm hoping that you never shower and disregard all personal hygiene."

C) "I would like to have sex with you."

Now, I don't think it is number one. Sure, Jigga is a cultured dude with his Armani suits and 300 dollar bottles of champagne, but he doesn't rap about brie cheese. The only dude rapping about Brie cheese is this guy:




B seems a little off as well. Jay-Z wears nice clothes and is probably secure enough with himself and his wealth to moisturize and exfoliate and all that noise. So he probably wants his hos to be just as prim.

C is the easy answer. But, Jay, why the word "Gushy"? Nothing good was ever gushy. Nothing.

Master P - Captain Kirk

Now, i'm not even going to worry about too many of the lyrics of this one. The main chorus is:

Captain Kirk can you save me.... Captain Kirk... I wanna have your baby!

Percy - what the fuck? Now, if you were saying that Captain Kirk is some kind of super Bout it, Bout it player, then sure. However, with future inspection, Captain Kirk is one who has boldly gone where no man has gone before. A little research brings up a few explanations of this and I will now relate this to P's song:

A) Master P is rapping about how he steals virginities. That's what he does. Although, I don't think his intention is to have any babies.

B) He is describing how he answers his flip-phone.

C) He often likes to wrap his index finger with toilet paper and explore the inner regions of Uranus.

Now, we all know that he is trying to describe how he's so fly that women want him to not only deflower them, but to also father their children. But, Captain Kirk? Really? He also uses this phrase in another song on Ghetto Dope (great album - if you went to high school back in the late nineties I think you were issued this album in homeroom) - so I think he was hoping it would stick. Kind of like when he tried to play for the Charlotte Hornets, and even put out an album with a picture of him shooting a J on the cover.


Man, No Limit used to be the shit. But, I digress. This is a stupid title for a song and really grasps for a usable catchphrase. Shazaam.

Off-topic - I just saw a highlight of Bartolo Colon batting in an interleague game. He looked like Manny Ramirez if he was allergic to bees and decided to bear hug a hive. Wow. Not only is he bulbous looking and uglier than Ice-T, but his name is Bartolo Colon. Poor bastard.

Recommendations (and James - yes, I'm the colonel of this mother-fucking tank):

Book - The Life of Pi by Yann Martel:


Great story about a kid who is stranded at sea with wild animals in his dinghy. Quite the thinker. I'm actually going to assign this to my class next semester as our book to read. If you know how to read - it's a joy.

CD - Moondance by Van Morrison


If you don't like Van Morrison I will punch you in the face. That's all there is to that. "And It Stoned Me" is a brilliant song.

I'll also go on record as saying that the new Weezer song isn't very good. And that is a shame, folks. A damn shame.