How ESPN kills good sports stories

ESPN. The Worldwide Leader. The only real 24-hour sports station worth a damn. But, for years, they have done questionable things to good content. The anchors for Sportscenter have gotten worse. Their original programming generally sucks. It has almost become nothing more than a mouthpiece for various obnoxious sportswriters, although I still like PTI. Frankly, ESPN has become to sports what MTV is to music. MTV doesn't play videos anymore. ESPN has cut back straight highlights for human interest pieces and stories about Jason Giambi's slumpbuster thong.



But this is all old news. Nothing shocking here. So then why am I wasting our time with this? Because of what happened tonight. I was flipping around to see how the Cards did and catch a highlight. Maybe even see how the Cubs are doing. And I get to ESPN and they are talking about the Rays. I love the story. The Yanks and Sox can eat it, it's about time a young team came out and gave 'em a run. Sidenote: how shitty do the Blue Jays and Orioles feel right about now? Anyway, they are talking about how the Rays have the best record in baseball, and they have a phone-in guest to talk about it. OK, maybe it's someone from the Tampa Bay local paper, or even a manager or player from said team. But no. Who was it?

Dick Fucking Vitale.

Now, I immediately changed the channel. But, I imagine it went something like this:

"The Rays are awesome, baby! I tell you guys what, the Yankees got rid of the greatest manager I've ever seen, and the Red Sox, even with their superstars, can't catch up to the diaper dandies down in Tampa! I'm reminded of every Duke team since their inception in the NCAA. The best youngest talent in the history of the game. It looks like to me that the Rays are going to give the number ones a run for their money - a real cinderella story. The only person who could derail this dream is my man Bobby Hurley. If a team in the East were to pick him up to lead off their lineup, he'd have no problem taking down the Rays in no time. Speaking of which, I think that Duke got a bad rap this season - kansas had a great team, and blue uniforms, but they didn't say "DUKE" across the chest, and therefore I'm having my foundation, the V foundation, stop their cancer research to investigate why Duke doesn't have last year's Nat'l Championship. Coach K, baby! Duke! JJ! Awesome! Diaper Dandy! Duke.. DUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE"

At this point, Steve Phillips chimes in and agrees with everything, mentioning how he was the one who found David Wright and Jose Reyes and also he knows where the Arc of the Covenant is buried and that he once played poker with Jimmy Hoffa and Tupac in 2006. John Kruk then one-balls everyone by talking about how he thinks that Duke would win the AL Central. Joe Morgan would chime in from remote and tell us that no matter what, the Reds teams he played for would have won not only the World Series these days, but also the NCAA Men's Hoops title and the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest.

Also - ESPN needs to stop with the pop culture tie-ins. Pretty soon Entertainment Tonight will get a spot on Sportscenter.

I do like the catchphrases, most of the time. Kenny Mayne's were the best. Subtlety like calling the Padres the "Fathers" rules. The worst I ever heard was a few years ago. I don't know which douchy guy said this, but he said something like:
What Pat Monahan is to Train

(props on the sweatervest, at least)

Andres Gallaraga is to the Expos

This guy proves that he is unintelligent and that he likes Train. Strike one and two.

Although, given all this, I look up and my TV is tuned into ESPN. Damn.

Now I'm going to do my random 5 songs from itunes. I don't care if you think it's pompous or what, but I'm just trying to get more proof out there that I'm cooler than the majority of you out there. Fact.

1) "Soft" by Kings of Leon - Great band, and listening to this song, it's about how he can't get his johnson in working order. More artists should be this humbled. Or on drugs. I'm not sure which.

2) "Consti2tion" by Alien Ant Farm - There was a time in my life where this was one of my favorite bands. We saw 'em at the Blue Note, and they were great. It kind of pissed me off that the only song most of the people in the audience knew was "Smooth Criminal" - easily their worst song. Also, that concert introduced me to Dredg, so thanks, AAF.

3) "Light Speed" - Dr. Dre - I remember when Chronic 2001 came out - we listened to that shit ALL the time. Real sticky-icky-icky. Oooo-weeee. Put it in the air. This is probably one of my least favorite songs on that album, but it's still good. Nice and laid back, a bit of an intro. Sidebar - The Chronic was the first Explicit Lyrics CD I ever had. I hid it. My mom found it. The most perverse thing about that album was that we would rap to it in Boy Scouts. Nothing like going to a campsite and hearing white kids rap "Easy-E can eat a big fat diiiiiiiiiiick"

4) "Public Service Announcement" by The Bravery - now, I wasn't sold on the Bravery when I first heard them. Maybe it was all the leather. But, i've come to appreciate them. The intro to "An Honest Mistake" is a great 80's sounding intro theme. I could enter rooms to it. But this song has the greatest and stupidest lines ever. The stupidest? "Stop, drop, and roll.... you're on fire" - the best? "You put the "art" in..... retarded"

5) "When the War Came" by the Decemberists - This band pleases the English major in me.
I actually had this CD a few months before I actually really listened to it. It's outstanding. Very melodic. That's about all I have to say about that, except you should probably buy a copy of "The Crane Wife" and enjoy it.

Bonus: "Spank Bank" by Goldfinger - Best song title ever. The last line - "32 Channels, I don't want to see a she-male fuckiiiiiiiing"

Well, I hope you enjoyed this amazing display of hilarity. Keep it real - and Go Cards!