How ESPN kills good sports stories

ESPN. The Worldwide Leader. The only real 24-hour sports station worth a damn. But, for years, they have done questionable things to good content. The anchors for Sportscenter have gotten worse. Their original programming generally sucks. It has almost become nothing more than a mouthpiece for various obnoxious sportswriters, although I still like PTI. Frankly, ESPN has become to sports what MTV is to music. MTV doesn't play videos anymore. ESPN has cut back straight highlights for human interest pieces and stories about Jason Giambi's slumpbuster thong.



But this is all old news. Nothing shocking here. So then why am I wasting our time with this? Because of what happened tonight. I was flipping around to see how the Cards did and catch a highlight. Maybe even see how the Cubs are doing. And I get to ESPN and they are talking about the Rays. I love the story. The Yanks and Sox can eat it, it's about time a young team came out and gave 'em a run. Sidenote: how shitty do the Blue Jays and Orioles feel right about now? Anyway, they are talking about how the Rays have the best record in baseball, and they have a phone-in guest to talk about it. OK, maybe it's someone from the Tampa Bay local paper, or even a manager or player from said team. But no. Who was it?

Dick Fucking Vitale.

Now, I immediately changed the channel. But, I imagine it went something like this:

"The Rays are awesome, baby! I tell you guys what, the Yankees got rid of the greatest manager I've ever seen, and the Red Sox, even with their superstars, can't catch up to the diaper dandies down in Tampa! I'm reminded of every Duke team since their inception in the NCAA. The best youngest talent in the history of the game. It looks like to me that the Rays are going to give the number ones a run for their money - a real cinderella story. The only person who could derail this dream is my man Bobby Hurley. If a team in the East were to pick him up to lead off their lineup, he'd have no problem taking down the Rays in no time. Speaking of which, I think that Duke got a bad rap this season - kansas had a great team, and blue uniforms, but they didn't say "DUKE" across the chest, and therefore I'm having my foundation, the V foundation, stop their cancer research to investigate why Duke doesn't have last year's Nat'l Championship. Coach K, baby! Duke! JJ! Awesome! Diaper Dandy! Duke.. DUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE"

At this point, Steve Phillips chimes in and agrees with everything, mentioning how he was the one who found David Wright and Jose Reyes and also he knows where the Arc of the Covenant is buried and that he once played poker with Jimmy Hoffa and Tupac in 2006. John Kruk then one-balls everyone by talking about how he thinks that Duke would win the AL Central. Joe Morgan would chime in from remote and tell us that no matter what, the Reds teams he played for would have won not only the World Series these days, but also the NCAA Men's Hoops title and the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest.

Also - ESPN needs to stop with the pop culture tie-ins. Pretty soon Entertainment Tonight will get a spot on Sportscenter.

I do like the catchphrases, most of the time. Kenny Mayne's were the best. Subtlety like calling the Padres the "Fathers" rules. The worst I ever heard was a few years ago. I don't know which douchy guy said this, but he said something like:
What Pat Monahan is to Train

(props on the sweatervest, at least)

Andres Gallaraga is to the Expos

This guy proves that he is unintelligent and that he likes Train. Strike one and two.

Although, given all this, I look up and my TV is tuned into ESPN. Damn.

Now I'm going to do my random 5 songs from itunes. I don't care if you think it's pompous or what, but I'm just trying to get more proof out there that I'm cooler than the majority of you out there. Fact.

1) "Soft" by Kings of Leon - Great band, and listening to this song, it's about how he can't get his johnson in working order. More artists should be this humbled. Or on drugs. I'm not sure which.

2) "Consti2tion" by Alien Ant Farm - There was a time in my life where this was one of my favorite bands. We saw 'em at the Blue Note, and they were great. It kind of pissed me off that the only song most of the people in the audience knew was "Smooth Criminal" - easily their worst song. Also, that concert introduced me to Dredg, so thanks, AAF.

3) "Light Speed" - Dr. Dre - I remember when Chronic 2001 came out - we listened to that shit ALL the time. Real sticky-icky-icky. Oooo-weeee. Put it in the air. This is probably one of my least favorite songs on that album, but it's still good. Nice and laid back, a bit of an intro. Sidebar - The Chronic was the first Explicit Lyrics CD I ever had. I hid it. My mom found it. The most perverse thing about that album was that we would rap to it in Boy Scouts. Nothing like going to a campsite and hearing white kids rap "Easy-E can eat a big fat diiiiiiiiiiick"

4) "Public Service Announcement" by The Bravery - now, I wasn't sold on the Bravery when I first heard them. Maybe it was all the leather. But, i've come to appreciate them. The intro to "An Honest Mistake" is a great 80's sounding intro theme. I could enter rooms to it. But this song has the greatest and stupidest lines ever. The stupidest? "Stop, drop, and roll.... you're on fire" - the best? "You put the "art" in..... retarded"

5) "When the War Came" by the Decemberists - This band pleases the English major in me.
I actually had this CD a few months before I actually really listened to it. It's outstanding. Very melodic. That's about all I have to say about that, except you should probably buy a copy of "The Crane Wife" and enjoy it.

Bonus: "Spank Bank" by Goldfinger - Best song title ever. The last line - "32 Channels, I don't want to see a she-male fuckiiiiiiiing"

Well, I hope you enjoyed this amazing display of hilarity. Keep it real - and Go Cards!

When Rap Goes Wrong

So, I like rap music. Not as much as I used to, but I can still get down, yo. I'm from the streets, if you weren't aware. Anyway, I think there is a lot of rap out there that is brilliant. Poetry, even. That said, there are some songs and/or phrases you hear from reputable rappers that just make you question if you are hearing it right. In this edition of "Shit No One Will Ever Read" I will go over a few questionable rap lyrics/songs and give multiple interpretations. Enjoy, playa.

Jay-Z - I Just Wanna Love U (Give it 2 Me)

Now, first off, you have to respect the use of "U" and "2" - That screams street cred. "Hey, lets make sure our title looks like it was texted to us by a 11 year old white girl." This is a catchy song. Jay-Z is one of the best rappers around. So how did he let this nugget of filth get into his chorus:

Now give it to me,
Give me that funk, that nasty, that gushy stuff..."

I'm sorry Mr. HOVA, but did Pharrell just say "Gushy Stuff" in your song? I can see them in the studio:

"P - I'm lookin for something tight on the chorus. Somethin' sexual, but somethin' different. We have "funk", and we have "nasty" - now we need something else to really describe it..."
Gross. Here are three possible explanations of this line:

A) "Woman, please pass me the plate of Brie cheese. That shit is aged, yo - i love the crisp smell and softer texture. Also - pass me the mother fucking Triscits, B!"

B) "Hey you, I would like to have you sexually and I'm hoping that you never shower and disregard all personal hygiene."

C) "I would like to have sex with you."

Now, I don't think it is number one. Sure, Jigga is a cultured dude with his Armani suits and 300 dollar bottles of champagne, but he doesn't rap about brie cheese. The only dude rapping about Brie cheese is this guy:




B seems a little off as well. Jay-Z wears nice clothes and is probably secure enough with himself and his wealth to moisturize and exfoliate and all that noise. So he probably wants his hos to be just as prim.

C is the easy answer. But, Jay, why the word "Gushy"? Nothing good was ever gushy. Nothing.

Master P - Captain Kirk

Now, i'm not even going to worry about too many of the lyrics of this one. The main chorus is:

Captain Kirk can you save me.... Captain Kirk... I wanna have your baby!

Percy - what the fuck? Now, if you were saying that Captain Kirk is some kind of super Bout it, Bout it player, then sure. However, with future inspection, Captain Kirk is one who has boldly gone where no man has gone before. A little research brings up a few explanations of this and I will now relate this to P's song:

A) Master P is rapping about how he steals virginities. That's what he does. Although, I don't think his intention is to have any babies.

B) He is describing how he answers his flip-phone.

C) He often likes to wrap his index finger with toilet paper and explore the inner regions of Uranus.

Now, we all know that he is trying to describe how he's so fly that women want him to not only deflower them, but to also father their children. But, Captain Kirk? Really? He also uses this phrase in another song on Ghetto Dope (great album - if you went to high school back in the late nineties I think you were issued this album in homeroom) - so I think he was hoping it would stick. Kind of like when he tried to play for the Charlotte Hornets, and even put out an album with a picture of him shooting a J on the cover.


Man, No Limit used to be the shit. But, I digress. This is a stupid title for a song and really grasps for a usable catchphrase. Shazaam.

Off-topic - I just saw a highlight of Bartolo Colon batting in an interleague game. He looked like Manny Ramirez if he was allergic to bees and decided to bear hug a hive. Wow. Not only is he bulbous looking and uglier than Ice-T, but his name is Bartolo Colon. Poor bastard.

Recommendations (and James - yes, I'm the colonel of this mother-fucking tank):

Book - The Life of Pi by Yann Martel:


Great story about a kid who is stranded at sea with wild animals in his dinghy. Quite the thinker. I'm actually going to assign this to my class next semester as our book to read. If you know how to read - it's a joy.

CD - Moondance by Van Morrison


If you don't like Van Morrison I will punch you in the face. That's all there is to that. "And It Stoned Me" is a brilliant song.

I'll also go on record as saying that the new Weezer song isn't very good. And that is a shame, folks. A damn shame.

People I Hate: A Retrospective

Welcome to the first "People I Hate" segment here at Catching Kids in the Rye. Now, you may ask yourself, why does he hate? Who does he hate? Does he hate me? Well, because, you, and yes I covered that. But - this isn't about specific people (although I do have inspirations) - but more about types of people. I mean, I could spend three pages talking about how Oprah is a giant gasbag whore who should bury herself in a 4 foot hole upside-down, but this is common knowledge.

On to the hating.

Softball Player who thinks he's 17 and awesome (Clingus Toglorydaysus)

Now, i've encountered this guy quite a bit. I dabble in the fine art of slow pitch softball, and consider myself to be a decent player. I'm not going to win any awards, but I'm also not going to piss all over myself in the field. But this guy, we'll call him "Drake" (only because I think the name Drake sucks and that anyone with that name is of questionable character). Drake plays slow-pitch softball, usually on a men's team and also a co-ed team. No big deal. So do I. However, there are a few things about Drake that you will notice (note: having some of these characteristics doesn't make you a douchebag, but put them all together and you're dripping vinegar):

• Baseball pants - OK. It's probably smart to wear baseball pants. But you know what? It's 99 degrees out and I'm playing softball, so shorts and socks it is. Are my legs permanently scarred from diving and sliding? Yes. But I'm not wearing polyester to a slow pitch game.
• Sleeveless jersey - Hi, my name is Captain Von Retarded, check out my guns. Again, I actually have cut the sleeves off some of my shirts for working in the yard and the like. But to play an organized sport? I always figured that sleeves were regulation.
  
• "Jersey" is actually high school baseball t-shirt - Great, Drake. You played high school ball in 1999. We're all so proud of you. Why don't you grow up like the rest of us (or, in a lot of cases, grow "out" - I don't know about you but my high school baseball t-shirt is a bit snug). I'm sure the women on the other team that don't have flattops and frontbutts really think you're hot.
• Belt - again, it's fucking slow pitch softball, dude. Belts are for dress pants and role playing.
• High School/American Legion hat - again, we get it. You played ball in high school. Is that why you always pop out to third base?

By themselves? No problem. But put this entire look together, and you have a cross between an A-ball minor leaguer and a pedophile. But, this is not Drake's only downfall. Oh no. Let me tell you about how he plays.

Drake puts himself at a position where he'll get a chance to show off his talent. If he's pitching, he'll try to throw knuckleballs and shit like that, and then gets the "this ump has GOT to be kidding me" look when he doesn't throw a strike. If he plays in the field, that's when you REALLY know this guy goes home and plays hide the sausage in his old baseball stirrups. He'll make the occasional dazzling play. Like I said, he's done this before. But, he'll boot easy grounders, or make terrible throws to first. Not a big deal, we aren't all perfect. But he's the same guy who will ride Sally Only-Played-Softball-Twiceinton at first for dropping a fly ball not two minutes after he ole's an easy grounder to his right. He'll laugh off his error, and complain about someone else's. Because, hey, it's only softball, and he's a baseball player.

Drake also hot dogs a LOT. I have an example of a Drake from this year. Our team is terrible in coed, and we were getting beat by a baker's dozen. At the end of the game ol' Drake got a grounder at the mound, and instead of throwing it to first, he, with a giant asshole grin, threw it to third, who then threw it to first in time for the out. God bless the ump, he looked Drake in his inadequete wang'd eyes and said "Safe!". Beat the runner by a step. Drake, instead of laughing at it, got PISSED. Well, go cry on your sleeveless t-shirt, Drakey.

So, I hate the guy at softball who thinks he's better than the game, enough to where when he fucks up because, really, he sucks, he finds it funny. He will also argue close calls to the point of embarrassment, and will wear sunglasses in any situation. Here is a visual example of Drake:



Don't be Drake.

This Blog Post Will Make Dick Vermeil Cry

What kind of movies make me cry? Well, none, really. No, I'm not playing the "I'm a hardass" card, I'm just saying that I don't really cry at movies. Nothing that someone like Emilo Estavez says will ever make me shed a tear. That said, there are certain types of movies and movie moments that give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. Here are those types of movies along with examples.

The Sports Asshole Gets Humbled
This is not to be confused with "The Sports Asshole Gets Beat and Stays an Asshole" that happens in movies (see: Mick in Teen Wolf). No, this is the classic case of the underdog getting harassed both on the field of play and in social settings, putting out a gutty performance against the asshole, winning, and the asshole giving his props. Something about the turnaround gets to me. The most popular example is in everyone's favorite New Jersey-to-California Karate movie, "The Karate Kid". The whole time, Johnny and his dojo are being total douchebags towards poor little Daniel. But, after seeing the terrible lengths his sensei will go, and getting crane-kicked into movie asshole infamy, Johnny congratulates Daniel-san. I mean, the guy for the WHOLE MOVIE is riding this kid, and all of a sudden he's looking like he's in such awe of him he might give him a handy. The turnaround is rather suspect - but the emotion is real, man. I guess, to me, it shows the ability all of us have to control our evil and get along. Hell, you watch "Cool Runnings" and try not to get chills when the German Asshole claps for Doug E. Doug and the rest of the Jamaican Bobsledders.

The Father-Son Moment
Now, this should be self explanatory. Father and son share a moment. This elicits in the viewer either a happy memory of a similar experience, or a longing to have had a similar experience. The obvious choice for this is "Field of Dreams". Seriously. If your nipples don't move a bit when Ray asks his dad for a catch, you should probably see a shrink for your obvious lack of normal human emotion. I mean, this whole weird journey dude is on is to see his damn father - and it happens! Lord, man. That's deep shit right there. I think for me it is somewhere in the middle of the memory of a happy experience and a longing to have said experience again. Double whammy - The German Asshole claps for the Jamaicans, and Junior sees his dad in the stands clapping. Damn you Disney with your slightly funny live action jaunts!

War
I don't think I really have to go into this, but when someone you've gotten to know as a character dies at war - that shit is sad.

And now, I'll tell you the saddest movie ever:

Armageddon.

Yes. That piece of shit movie with Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. How the hell can that movie elicit any emotion other than sheer nausea? Well, have you seen the ending of this damn movie? It has a string of "we're going to make you cry if it hurts" moments that could squeeze tears out of the manliest of all men. I mean, first off you have Bruce Willis volunteering to blow himself up with a nuke on an asteroid. So right there, you have a weird kind of bravery. Then, they decide to show us his last conversation with his daughter. Fuck. That scene where she is crying with her hand on the static of the screen? What bastard thought that up? Man, cruel. Then - to give Indian Burns to your heartstrings some more - they have Bruce Willis tell Ben Affleck (who happens to be banging his daughter) that he's always been like a son to him. That's it. When that happens, I feel depressed and sad and slightly uneasy. Stupid movie making me feel feelings.

Now, so you don't think i'm a total puss, here is a traditionally sad movie that I don't find sad at all:

Titanic - C'mon, you know the ship is going to sink at the beginning of this 4 hour waste. How can you invest any emotion into these people? But it's all worth it when the boat is capsizing and they show a guy fall into a propeller. Funnier than any movie with Larry the Cable Guy. And another thing- why'd he drown? She couldn't reach down 3 feet to grab him?

The only other time I felt the fuzzy feeling in a movie that didn't really fit in one of my categories was when I was watching Titan A.E. and they played "My Turn To Fly" by The Urge... Because then I was like, hey, The Urge are in a national, somewhat popular, movie in the theaters! And no, I didn't see that movie in the theaters. It was terrible. But that song is fantastic. I guess that is a weird example, but hey, I love me some Urge. I put them up there with the Cards and Tigers as teams (or I guess bands) that I associate myself with. The whole "we" thing that some people can't stand. I don't care for those people.

That's all I've got for tonight. Tonight's words of advice - Don't expect anymore posts regarding the movie Armegedeonn.

I can take apart the remote control - and I can almost put it back together...

I'm going to start tonight off by complaining. I was watching the Cardinal game tonight, and was primed to witness a great comeback. When Mather hit that HR in the 10th, I could feel it. This was going to be a fun post-game to watch. And then.... HE came up to bat for the Nat'ls.

Who is HE, you ask?



Elijah Dukes. What, you don't know who he is? Well, let me en-light-en you on Mr. Dukes and his infamous personality. He was one of the more hyped prospects in baseball just a few short years ago. The guy was touted as the next great thing. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays drafted him in the 3rd round. Go him. Youth was the new movement.

Then, Mr. Dukes opened up his giant ball of crazy for all the world to see. He threatened his ex-wife and kids with the classic line:


"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house."


That's some pretty messed up shit right there. First of all, you've gotta be out of your damn mind to call your wife "dawg" - what the F is that all about? And, now I haven't done too much researching, so the kids may not be his biologically - but they are at least his stepkids. So - when he says "your kids too" - he's pretty much threatening his own kids. This man has obviously lost touch with reality. He's more out of his mind than your average Nebraska football fan. Then he drops a few N-bombs on his ex-wife, and threatens her when she's ridin'.

How about this:

"On April 30, Gilbert was in her classroom at Shields Middle School when she heard a banging on the door. Her students were at lunch. Another teacher answered the door.

"It was Elijah (my husband) coming toward me at my desk stating he was going to beat my a-- and kill me," Gilbert wrote in her request for a restraining order."

Batshit crazy. So, why do I care? Because this guy just BEAT THE CARDINALS LIKE THEY WERE HIS WIFE AND KIDS. C'mon, you HAD to see that one coming. But seriously, the guy hit a triple and the walk-off HR to win the game. I hate him.

Which brings me to something else - how come he can get a job but Barry Bonds can't? Barry's not been the greatest person in the world - but I would say that taking steroids, lying about it, being a prick for years, cheating on your wife, using illegal funds to take out a mistress, and all his other shit would be much less disturbing and off-putting than almost EVERYTHING that Elijah Dukes has done since becoming a big leaguer.

Speaking of tonight's game - did any of you 2 readers watch it? And if so, did you see the three moron kids dancing behind home plate? Now, waving while on a cellphone is one thing. "Hey mom, look at me!" But dancing? And not only dancing, but pre-teen white-boys-who-want-to-be-street dancing? At a Washington Nationals game? Those kids have a lifetime of disappointment ahead of them. I obviously don't have pictures of them, but here is what I am thinking they most resemble:



"Hey playa, when we go to the baseball gizzzzame tonight, we need to blow that shit up!"
"Fo' real... our Nats are playing the St. POOish CardBALLS"
"I've got an 'dea, yo... let's take an extra shirt, and behind home plizzzate, wave dem like helicopters!"
"NICE. The girlys will be all over us at schizzzole tomrrow. STUNNA"

The next day they find out they are extremely hated by everyone and get beat up by the chess team. The chess team then goes on to bang all the cheerleaders in the expensive cars that these morons rented to take pictures with. Then, the three other guys they hung out with abandon them, pelting them with fake bling and laughing.

Moral of the story? Don't be that guy behind home plate.

That's it for me, sportsfans. Have a happy friday, and don't forget:



(check out someecards.com for more amazing cards like this)

Slow Jerk

Never make eye contact!

Welcome to the Rest of Your Lives

Here it is. My first ever blog post on what I guess you could call an "official blog." I'm not going to bore you with who I am, because all three of you reading already know this. And I assume this thing has a bio that I'll fill out later. So, with that snazzy introduction, let's do this.

What would be a good subject for a first post in what is going to be the World's Greatest Blog That No One Will Read (WGBTNOWR)? A slice of life? My thoughts on politics? Sports? Pshaw, readers. That's chump change. We here at Catching Kids in the Rye (sweet name, huh?) tackle the big-boy issues. That's why we're going to blow our load here in the first ever post. Today's subject:

THE MEANING OF LIFE.

Now, I'm sure you've been wondering, what does D-Nice (that's what I'll call myself in these posts cause it gives me street cred) think the meaning of life is. Well, stop asking me so many damn questions. This is my forum. But, I sometimes think of this giant issue facing us all. Why the fuck are we here (if you'd like, you could replace the profanity with a word like "crud" or "jayhawk" - I won't mind), and what is our purpose. Well, I have three theories that I would like to explore.

1)Life has no meaning - when you die, you're dead
2)This life is but a start to glorious/terrible things in the afterlife
3)Other

I'll start with, surprise, the first one. When you die, you're dead. That's a pretty damn bleak outlook. Basically, we are no more than ants or pumas. We have our time here in life, and no matter what we do, it ends and we are no more. This freaks the hell out of me. Not because I'm scared to die, but who among us can wrap our minds around NOTHINGNESS? Seriously, what the hell is that? There's GOT to be something, right? I mean, Cory Lidle is flying planes somewhere now, right?

The second option seems absolutely ridiculous. Now, don't call me a blasphemer. But think about it. It's a pretty big leap of faith to think this. Yet - most of us do. Hell, I do. Why? Well, what's the point of all of this if we aren't going somewhere after? It's about closure. It's the reason why Cubs fans think they'll actually win something of significance in the near future. Faith. Blind faith, as it may be. It also places order in society. If there is a belief that, if you do some real bad shit in this life you'll be sodomized by Gorgorth, the giant spiney-penised demon, for the rest of eternity, you might not steal that DVD of My Two Dads: Season One. Likewise, and I know this is cynical, but if you don't think you're going to get to hang out with your great-great grandpa (considering he isn't hanging out with Gorgorth), you might not pick up that old woman's groceries when she plows her cart into a display of Activia Yogurt. We need something to believe in. I need to know that this isn't all for naught, you know?

Finally, other. What a cop-out on my part. But, what if we are living on the fingernail of some giant being? What if we are the sperm cell under the microscope of some unfathomably vast civilization? What if we are just a small galaxy orbiting Mark Mangino? Think about outer space. Can YOU wrap your mind around the idea of infinity? Because, let's not lie, that shit is weird.

So, what is the meaning of life? Hell, I don't know. You just read some pretty pointless stuff. What do you make of it? That, my friends is the meaning of life. Life is what you make of it. If you want to have a good time of it, you can. If you want to be a miserable douchebag, well pal, have fun.

Well, that was enjoyable. A little time-waster that hopefully is fun to read. If you don't like it, I hate you and hope you catch a case of scabies or something.

On to some other ramblings - I got this new Macbook Pro - and it's damn awesome. I can type this on my new couch while my dogs look at me like I'm holding a giant thing of food. I hope Steve Jobs made these bastards lick-proof. I've put like 2000 songs so far on the itunes on this thing. Matter of fact, here are 5 songs at random off my playlist. Prepare to be rocked out and jealous all at once:

1)"Maybe Tomorrow" - The Brian Jonestown Massacre - I downloaded this song with free Pepsistuff points (which is the coolest thing around). It's OK. Kind of a druggy-ish ballad.

2)"Chips Ahoy!" - The Hold Steady - I liked them better last year. Something about dude's voice bothers me now. It's like a drunk Bruce Springsteen.

3)"If You Choose Me" - Bare Jr. - Bare Jr is like my blog - Awesome but obscure and not as popular as they should be. Saw 'em at the Blue Note once. They had a guy playing Mountain Dulcimer.

4)"Juicebox" - The Strokes - I love The Strokes. This song sounds like the Spy Hunter theme song. I have no damn clue why it's called Juicebox. But a line like "Standing in the light field" always rocks it out.

5)"If You Talk Too Much(My Head Will Explode) - People in Planes - I don't know much about this band. But this song is GREAT. And so damn topical, too. Because most of you people talk way to damn much.

Well, I hope you enjoyed our time together. Next time I'll be less on the meaning of life and more on the jokes and sarcasm. I'll leave you with this little piece of advice:

Don't shake hands with Moises Alou.