People I Hate: A Retrospective

Welcome to the first "People I Hate" segment here at Catching Kids in the Rye. Now, you may ask yourself, why does he hate? Who does he hate? Does he hate me? Well, because, you, and yes I covered that. But - this isn't about specific people (although I do have inspirations) - but more about types of people. I mean, I could spend three pages talking about how Oprah is a giant gasbag whore who should bury herself in a 4 foot hole upside-down, but this is common knowledge.

On to the hating.

Softball Player who thinks he's 17 and awesome (Clingus Toglorydaysus)

Now, i've encountered this guy quite a bit. I dabble in the fine art of slow pitch softball, and consider myself to be a decent player. I'm not going to win any awards, but I'm also not going to piss all over myself in the field. But this guy, we'll call him "Drake" (only because I think the name Drake sucks and that anyone with that name is of questionable character). Drake plays slow-pitch softball, usually on a men's team and also a co-ed team. No big deal. So do I. However, there are a few things about Drake that you will notice (note: having some of these characteristics doesn't make you a douchebag, but put them all together and you're dripping vinegar):

• Baseball pants - OK. It's probably smart to wear baseball pants. But you know what? It's 99 degrees out and I'm playing softball, so shorts and socks it is. Are my legs permanently scarred from diving and sliding? Yes. But I'm not wearing polyester to a slow pitch game.
• Sleeveless jersey - Hi, my name is Captain Von Retarded, check out my guns. Again, I actually have cut the sleeves off some of my shirts for working in the yard and the like. But to play an organized sport? I always figured that sleeves were regulation.
  
• "Jersey" is actually high school baseball t-shirt - Great, Drake. You played high school ball in 1999. We're all so proud of you. Why don't you grow up like the rest of us (or, in a lot of cases, grow "out" - I don't know about you but my high school baseball t-shirt is a bit snug). I'm sure the women on the other team that don't have flattops and frontbutts really think you're hot.
• Belt - again, it's fucking slow pitch softball, dude. Belts are for dress pants and role playing.
• High School/American Legion hat - again, we get it. You played ball in high school. Is that why you always pop out to third base?

By themselves? No problem. But put this entire look together, and you have a cross between an A-ball minor leaguer and a pedophile. But, this is not Drake's only downfall. Oh no. Let me tell you about how he plays.

Drake puts himself at a position where he'll get a chance to show off his talent. If he's pitching, he'll try to throw knuckleballs and shit like that, and then gets the "this ump has GOT to be kidding me" look when he doesn't throw a strike. If he plays in the field, that's when you REALLY know this guy goes home and plays hide the sausage in his old baseball stirrups. He'll make the occasional dazzling play. Like I said, he's done this before. But, he'll boot easy grounders, or make terrible throws to first. Not a big deal, we aren't all perfect. But he's the same guy who will ride Sally Only-Played-Softball-Twiceinton at first for dropping a fly ball not two minutes after he ole's an easy grounder to his right. He'll laugh off his error, and complain about someone else's. Because, hey, it's only softball, and he's a baseball player.

Drake also hot dogs a LOT. I have an example of a Drake from this year. Our team is terrible in coed, and we were getting beat by a baker's dozen. At the end of the game ol' Drake got a grounder at the mound, and instead of throwing it to first, he, with a giant asshole grin, threw it to third, who then threw it to first in time for the out. God bless the ump, he looked Drake in his inadequete wang'd eyes and said "Safe!". Beat the runner by a step. Drake, instead of laughing at it, got PISSED. Well, go cry on your sleeveless t-shirt, Drakey.

So, I hate the guy at softball who thinks he's better than the game, enough to where when he fucks up because, really, he sucks, he finds it funny. He will also argue close calls to the point of embarrassment, and will wear sunglasses in any situation. Here is a visual example of Drake:



Don't be Drake.