This Blog Post Will Make Dick Vermeil Cry

What kind of movies make me cry? Well, none, really. No, I'm not playing the "I'm a hardass" card, I'm just saying that I don't really cry at movies. Nothing that someone like Emilo Estavez says will ever make me shed a tear. That said, there are certain types of movies and movie moments that give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. Here are those types of movies along with examples.

The Sports Asshole Gets Humbled
This is not to be confused with "The Sports Asshole Gets Beat and Stays an Asshole" that happens in movies (see: Mick in Teen Wolf). No, this is the classic case of the underdog getting harassed both on the field of play and in social settings, putting out a gutty performance against the asshole, winning, and the asshole giving his props. Something about the turnaround gets to me. The most popular example is in everyone's favorite New Jersey-to-California Karate movie, "The Karate Kid". The whole time, Johnny and his dojo are being total douchebags towards poor little Daniel. But, after seeing the terrible lengths his sensei will go, and getting crane-kicked into movie asshole infamy, Johnny congratulates Daniel-san. I mean, the guy for the WHOLE MOVIE is riding this kid, and all of a sudden he's looking like he's in such awe of him he might give him a handy. The turnaround is rather suspect - but the emotion is real, man. I guess, to me, it shows the ability all of us have to control our evil and get along. Hell, you watch "Cool Runnings" and try not to get chills when the German Asshole claps for Doug E. Doug and the rest of the Jamaican Bobsledders.

The Father-Son Moment
Now, this should be self explanatory. Father and son share a moment. This elicits in the viewer either a happy memory of a similar experience, or a longing to have had a similar experience. The obvious choice for this is "Field of Dreams". Seriously. If your nipples don't move a bit when Ray asks his dad for a catch, you should probably see a shrink for your obvious lack of normal human emotion. I mean, this whole weird journey dude is on is to see his damn father - and it happens! Lord, man. That's deep shit right there. I think for me it is somewhere in the middle of the memory of a happy experience and a longing to have said experience again. Double whammy - The German Asshole claps for the Jamaicans, and Junior sees his dad in the stands clapping. Damn you Disney with your slightly funny live action jaunts!

War
I don't think I really have to go into this, but when someone you've gotten to know as a character dies at war - that shit is sad.

And now, I'll tell you the saddest movie ever:

Armageddon.

Yes. That piece of shit movie with Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis. How the hell can that movie elicit any emotion other than sheer nausea? Well, have you seen the ending of this damn movie? It has a string of "we're going to make you cry if it hurts" moments that could squeeze tears out of the manliest of all men. I mean, first off you have Bruce Willis volunteering to blow himself up with a nuke on an asteroid. So right there, you have a weird kind of bravery. Then, they decide to show us his last conversation with his daughter. Fuck. That scene where she is crying with her hand on the static of the screen? What bastard thought that up? Man, cruel. Then - to give Indian Burns to your heartstrings some more - they have Bruce Willis tell Ben Affleck (who happens to be banging his daughter) that he's always been like a son to him. That's it. When that happens, I feel depressed and sad and slightly uneasy. Stupid movie making me feel feelings.

Now, so you don't think i'm a total puss, here is a traditionally sad movie that I don't find sad at all:

Titanic - C'mon, you know the ship is going to sink at the beginning of this 4 hour waste. How can you invest any emotion into these people? But it's all worth it when the boat is capsizing and they show a guy fall into a propeller. Funnier than any movie with Larry the Cable Guy. And another thing- why'd he drown? She couldn't reach down 3 feet to grab him?

The only other time I felt the fuzzy feeling in a movie that didn't really fit in one of my categories was when I was watching Titan A.E. and they played "My Turn To Fly" by The Urge... Because then I was like, hey, The Urge are in a national, somewhat popular, movie in the theaters! And no, I didn't see that movie in the theaters. It was terrible. But that song is fantastic. I guess that is a weird example, but hey, I love me some Urge. I put them up there with the Cards and Tigers as teams (or I guess bands) that I associate myself with. The whole "we" thing that some people can't stand. I don't care for those people.

That's all I've got for tonight. Tonight's words of advice - Don't expect anymore posts regarding the movie Armegedeonn.